As a Couple

Your Relationship as a Couple After the Loss of a Baby

The grief of a couple who has lost their child is shared on many levels. It is important to remember, however, that both you and your partner are individuals who may experience different feelings and have different needs during this difficult time. The feelings experienced after a baby has died are very complex and can be affected by many factors that are unique to you. As a couple, this shared experience of profound loss may strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together. However, it also has the potential to put strain on your relationship. The following suggestions are offered to help you and your partner support one another as you work through your grief both as individuals and as a couple.

• Recognize that your feelings may be very different from your partner’s and remember that you and your partner may work through the grieving process in different ways. Try to be supportive of one another.

• Be honest with your partner about your feelings; don’t hide your feelings in an effort to “spare” your partner.

• Accept and respect your partner's feelings, even if they are different from your own.

• Consider using couples therapy as a safe, supportive space for the two of you to communicate openly.

There is No One Right Way to Grieve

There is no set of universal rules that apply to all people. However, in general, men and women tend to grieve differently. Men might manage their grief by investing in their work and keeping busy, and may not as easily verbalize their feelings. Women might want to talk about their feelings more openly, and be vulnerable with others. These two appropriate, yet different styles sometimes leave each member of the couple feeling lonely or misunderstood.

Although it is important to be authentic with your partner, their grief may not allow them to provide all of the support that you need. Talking to others such as family members, friends, clergy, therapists, or someone who has had a similar experience may be helpful. 

Be Patient with Yourself and Each Other

You may experience differences in opinion as you talk about how to create remembrances of your baby. Try to talk through these differences and try to reach decisions with which you are both comfortable.

You may come to different conclusions as you search for meaning in your loss. Accept that your partner may have beliefs that differ from your own.

Your sexual relationship may be affected by the baby's loss. Sometimes, one partner finds the closeness of having sex comforting while the other does not. For some people, sex is a painful reminder of the baby's conception or delivery. Other times, both partners find comfort in having sex. Discuss your feelings about your sexual relationship and decide what feels comfortable for both of you.

Be patient with yourself and with each other.

Adapted from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.